My daughter just came by to pick up the keys to our storage space. Somehow she managed to rent a U-haul truck with the money she earns being a tattoo apprentice and doing other odd construction jobs. She’s been earning money by shoveling snow since she was a  pre-teen without my blessing and regardless of the fact that neither I nor my ex (her “Dad”) would buy or lend her a shovel. My daughter will bag groceries for money. Once she figured out she can make pocket change doing that I had to convince her that the fights that she got into with the adult drug addicts over competition over their money wasn’t worth the spare change. We had to agree on an allowance although she’s always been spoiled and provided for. She wanted her own money. She will carry your bags to your car. At first she did it to be kind to the elderly until she realized that she may be able to earn a nickel or two for her good deed. Sometimes it’s funny because she would almost knock the old people over being eager to ‘help’ them. She learned to not be disgruntled when she received nothing more than a ‘Thank you’..I reminded her that sometimes that’s all a person has to give you in the ghetto.

She reminds me of her father so much. I’ve always secretly been jealous of her ability to talk anyone into anything. She’s notoriously charming. And have you ever seen her smile!? It’s magnificent. I don’t think or talk about her father much, there isn’t much to tell. I haven’t seen or heard from him since she was three years old. She’ll be 21 in July; I’m taking her to Atlantic City since she’s been hustling people as a card player since she was in the 6th grade (Momma needs a new pair of…..!). But knowing my daughter she will figure out how to get to Vegas by way of California. She’s a (fabulous) mess.

I instructed her to take what she wants. Like many mothers before me, she’ll be building her own life based on bits and piece of what I’ve managed to salvage from our life together. She’ll take our old furniture to the room she now rents that she found for herself by herself after I told her to stop complaining to me about her problems with our lack of housing. Of course I had a solution for us, as I have had since the day I gave birth to her…which was to figure out something and I do and I have. We have options but none at satisfactory to her. So now, as an adult since she finds my choices and solutions to not be to her liking and so I tell her it’s time for her to forge her own way and live life the way she sees fit if what I am doing is not what she wants to do with herself. We’re both grown now. This is what I raised my daughter to be….independent and capable. No fear.

She’s going to register to college this week. She told me she wants to start a not for profit that rehabilitates housing for homeless women and children. She wanted her business to only employ woman so that she can offer than training and employment. Sorta like Habitat for Humanity but you get to work on your own house and then maybe get the chance to live  in it once it’s complete. I was surprised at her plan; but then again she’s been volunteering with me all her life. She’s also well aware of the challenges we’ve faced being a single mother home. She’s always been so empathetic. I’m sure that our short bout with being displaced as open her eyes up even more to what it’s like to be homeless and constantly unstable. I told her she would need to study engineering to accomplish what she wants to do. I warned her about the heavy math load to which she replied “I”m good at math”. I repeated it again and she gave me that crooked smart Alex smile and said, “Math was my best subject. You are the one that can’t count!”. We laughed and it’s true. So now there is one more additional thing that makes me in awe of this young woman. She got her GED last year and now she can walk right into school without needing remedial classes. She was frustrated before but she did her work and now she can return vindicated as a full fledge college student…now about the tuition money..to be continued.

Due to the change in my current living situation (yes, yet again***shout out to the manipulative jump off’s out there!) I’ll now be relocating to another locale. I guess it’s time to move on. I’m so very grateful to my friend for looking out for me. It’s amazing to have these great people around always making sure I’m okay. I’m very grateful to everything that led to here including the fall out with my former/maybe never was best friend.

I’ve since learned that friends support one another and don’t keep score. Friends find encouragement in the accomplishments of those around them and work towards helping each other achieve dreams and goals. Unfortunately, it seemed our friendship was based on being traumatized kindred spirits but I’ve never held on to my misery long. Like a lover I can’t quite remove myself from I fall into bed with doubt and misery for a roll around the familiar hay of “questioning”. Once I’m done I realize how counter productive and indulging it is for me to lend valuable time to being scared of my life rather than just simply standing up to it.

I have a crew of friends and family that love me. I realize this and I want you to know it and I want them to know it. So I’m planning on writing about my friends and family. I’ve been quiet online only because I’ve been working diligently on my own business and getting my ducks in order for summer. I’m a new person now but you can feel to call me TJ as usual.

I’ve been working more closely with Dee (my awesome Wise Latina, metal smithing, artist on the come up @deemakesjewelry) and spending a lot of time in NYC with other contacts (Hi Max!). I have events that I need to get to with people that are totally pushing me to get my writing out (I’m listening Sir Charles). I’m a few days away from launching my very own professional services site and I’m constantly returning phone calls between photographers and other contacts. I have plenty of opportunities but the greatest one of all is just the realization that I life does turn out to be worthwhile when it’s all said and done.

It’s been a crazy ass ride and people have asked for my story. I was waiting to get centered. I was waiting on a few things; a man that loves me enough to accept me for all my wack sporadic and who totally ‘get’s me’; some serenity in my life when it comes to my daughters safety and direction and the strength to re-hash my life in a descriptive way without loosing myself in the slug and dank valleys that exist in the place I call ‘memory’. I’ve got what I need now.

So, do I regret giving up my apartment to save money in order to represent my daughter in court? Hell no, I’ll do whatever it takes to support my child as long as she does what she needs to do to support herself. That’s a family…even if it’s only the two of us (plus a large ass natural family that I am still getting to know but that’s a whole nothing story you can read about here).

But for now there is one last dragon that I must slay. I figure since Rome is burning I might as well light a blunt and enjoy the pretty flames.

Until then…keep your helmet on. There’s a lot of bad shit out there.

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