When you are distrustful and weary of the gymnastics that the average person is willing to go through in order to deceive and lie in a monogamous relationship its easy to bring those feelings into the next relationship where they don’t belong. Not that I have history with lying and cheating men, per say, because I don’t, rather I would say that people sometimes want what they can’t have and have what they don’t need.

I’m wrestling with so many feelings and after much meditating, writing and reflection, I realize these feelings have no place in my current intimate relationships.

“What the people need is for you to be honest” he says. Ironic coming from one of the people that I’m trying to protect but this is why he’s awesome. I hope he’ll forgive me for putting a small bit our experience out in public. He’s private and I have become so in order to protect those people that live my personal life with me but prefer to do so in a quieter fashion.

This too, has begun to feel so uncomfortable, I welcome the opportunity to expose my feelings to him, you and myself, I guess.

My decision to consciously and primarily consider open/poly relationships are the result of a bad breakup where, against my better judgement, I signed up for the “monogamous/me and you against the world/he’s my one and only” spiel. Its not that I don’t think this arrangement is possible for me to achieve with a partner, I do and I would give it a chance again if a new opportunity presented itself but as for now, I’m just loving, living and growing in the present.

The problem seems to be where most men think they are ready to take me on 100% and can’t handle the face time. The end game is to get my sexual exclusivity and heart, and he had that. I was willing to give it to one man, and I though I don’t regret loving him, I do regret the sacrifices I made. I regret the waste of time suffered on my behalf by restricting myself from people, places and things and by my taking him into consideration as I made important decisions when he inevitably wasn’t able to see them through.

But I don’t cry over spilled milk….and he’s not the first pair of knees to buckle. Either because men aren’t ready or aren’t capable of dealing with all of the many things that comes along with having me as a partner, I find most are easily overwhelmed by me and leave me wanting more. Once we’re done holding hands and talking about all the things that we would do, when shall we get around to doing them, is my question. The world is our oyster though not every black man is build to man the captain’s chair.

The things I desire in a relationship are the same things that will cause you to lose weight, to open your mind, to become enchanted and to fall in love. I’ve always been disappointed that people seem to want to move past this part and get to the more responsible and grown parts of relationships like arguing and being jealous and possessive of each other. I want affection, and attention, and laughter and conversation and sex, yes….plenty of sex, and then I may want to write a poem inspired by my feelings for you. I want for my lover that which makes him happy and I want the same for myself.

I want my cake and to enjoy eating it too.

The more time I spend with my lover, the more I adore him, but this feeling initially came with a sense of fear. I feared the point of losing myself where I would normally get to the point of having to make sacrifices in order to please the dynamics of my relationship. I have to remind myself that this isn’t that world.

Here, I’m free and encouraged to explore my life as it comes to me. This was the basis of the conversation that made me look at him in a different light. A conversation with him is what gave me the insight to severe the last iota of what I still calling my last relationship.

Having a person around that supports me is invaluable as I’m going through a helluva life change right now. I have a friend and a confidant and a lover all rolled into one. I have someone to share stories, secrets, discoveries and experiences with.

I’m addicted to forecasting and analyzing and my newest lover won’t allow it which is one reason I haven’t written about anything involving my personal life for months.

I can read him as he can me, although I try not to pry because it feels more authentic to let us happen on our own and not through the gentle prod of the power of insight, but I still see my affect on him. He’s just as intuitive and perceptive if not more so and its both interesting and fun to be with someone so similar to myself in that regard. He studies me and sometimes won’t tell me what he’s thinking. Sometimes he won’t indulge my curiosity and I leave it alone. No insecurities and ‘what is he thinking’, he’s right here, right now and that’s proof enough. There’s no better feeling in the world then when you like a man and he likes you back.

Digging on me. Digging on you.

I revel in the fact that he thinks about me when we aren’t together though he tries not to show it. This is especially pleasing because I think about him when we’re not together also and try not to show it. But unlike boyfriend guy, I don’t wonder where my lover is when he isn’t with me. His whereabouts are not my concern since his presence elsewhere does not determine or affect his future presence here with me.

We’re both introverted artists, so just as simply as I’m here sitting on my couch innocently typing this article, he could be in his cave somewhere doing the things that he does in his secret creative world. I can text him, call him, check his 5 gazillion social media profiles or drop through his place for a visit, if I wanted to. Having him so accessible causes me not to feel like I have to get him all right now or else….which is how I felt about boyfriend guy.

I’m vocal about my needs and wants, since satisfaction is at the forefront of open relationships. I need a man that will take some of the lead and allow me the space to be the submissive and nurturing woman that I am and he does that. He can enjoy the ambiance of how I treat him because he knows I’m not bartering a domestic pony show in order to only gain his romantic favor; I do it because I naturally love to please particular people and not everyone is worthy. I’m glad I found someone who is.

I want a man that will not only find my intellect and creative edge intriguing but one who can also flow with the depths and valleys of my imagination when allowed to confidently be. Not only does he listen, he contributes and increases my understanding in ways I never knew possible.

I won’t bore you with the delicious details of us in bed, the moonlight and a spirited interpretation of dreams, ideas, philosophy, religion, music and so so much more. He has a beautiful mind that often stumps me; I adore that he’s teaching me a few things and his knowledge and understanding of some of the things that I hold dear far surpass mine.

I admire him for that and if he’s reading this now he knows.

I am confident in our future, even though no promises have been made to spend any indefinite amount of time together, that’s okay. I don’t feel anxious and competitive of his time and affection. I value what we share as it happens. By not focusing so much on the end result of ‘being in a relationship’ I can focus on how great it feels when two people are left to discover each other and something about themselves.

In time, our love conversation may change to include others, with us together or apart as individuals, who knows? In time that conversation may get loud, bolder and broader between just he and I, who knows? But for once in my life the end is not the destination.

We’re not running a race, we’re holding hands while taking a leisurely stroll and the view is amazing.